Remote Learning, Relocating, and Returning to Life

September seems to have come and gone but apparently the trees didn’t get the memo. Are we the only ones with a yard full of green leaves still? Poor earth, all confused! Well, my fam and I seem in sync with with summer disorientation lingering this month.

First, by an unexpected turn of evens we found ourselves house hunting. We’ve wanted to move for years but it never seemed to be the right time. So with this opportunity suddenly appearing we thought this may be it. Well it wasn’t it. However, instead going back to the regular scheduled program we got bit by the moving bug and started house hunting in earnest. If you know anything about the current housing market you know houses are selling quicker than snow cones down under; I’m talking 15 minutes after being listed! Needless to say we came away not only with no new home but frazzled nerves. We’ve been in our little house for 20 years. We raised our kids here, laughed/cried/screamed here, entertained and pow-wowed. We got my mom’s cancer diagnosis here, my dad’s, and my husbands. This back patio of this house is where I engraved my grandson’s name and mourned his loss. So in all sense of the word this is our home. We have, what for it, one and a half bathrooms! I know! We’ve raised kids and had sleepovers under these conditions! Any who, it seems like this is where we’ll stay. The middle young adult is about to spread his wings, the teenage girl is going into college, and the little is now in the school system, albeit remote, that has been so good to my kids.

Speaking of remote, we are now in the 3rd week of remote learning and feeling totally like fish out of water. Between computers not working, codes being written and rewritten, emails being accidently deleted, folders lost… we thought we’d never get settled in but here we are. The little is in Kindergarten and his teacher is online via Zoom for the full class. Here’s something you may not know. New Jersey is one of the few states who DO NOT have a state funded public homeschool option. This means you can indeed homeschool your children but it must be through a private school. Doing so with out state funding means each homeschool family’s budget dictates whether there is an online teacher visible in real time or whether there is no teacher and only written correspondence. Other states have the option to homeschool but the state pays to have the children do so they are synced up with the local public schools. I homeschooled by daughter from 3rd grade to 8th and we had to pay for all instruction through private education. What is ironic is that now, due to Covid, remoted learning connected right to the public school is now available. So it actually is one of those silver lining things for families that were considering homeschool anyway. Due to Covid, we are saving money on private education and, In our case, the teacher is there real time, full time, explaining and taking questions. How many things in your life have ironically turned out to be a silver lining in this Covid-19 fiasco?

The third thing that happened in September… I opened a boutique ya’ll! The Boutique by CCPCL was an exciting idea who’s time had come. It was a scary, bumpy, sleep deprived ride but I did it all on my own. That is one of the most satisfying thing for me. Troubleshooting, planning, and creating on my own. I’m 47 and could easily be out of touch with technology. Don’t get me wrong it’s not easy, but I get in there, do my research and get it going. Sometimes it takes 3 or 4 different videos saying the same thing in different ways, sometimes it takes reverse engineering, sometimes it takes 4 cups of coffee! In any event, the project that is yours’s is the project that you will always be proud of. I had a launch date of September 12th and I launched on September 12th! I was so moved by the support I received and the launch was a success. We opened with a bang and kind of like when you have a baby, I was simultaneously ecstatic but also acutely aware of what it will take to grow this baby.

Top take away of September?

1. If you can’t move still go to some open houses. You’ll get fresh new ideas on maximizing your space and maybe regain a whole new sense of gratitude about your current dwellings.

2. Big or small doesn’t matter, the family in the house does.

3. Even the worst circumstances can have some great silver linings.

4. Never say you can’t because you can. It may be hard, but that’s not the point. You can do it.

So what’s on tap for you in October? Now that we’re back to schedule I look forward to just settling into our routine even more. The one thing I really want to do though is to do some re-centering of myself. There’s some spiritual digging I want to do and some reaffirming of what I know to be true. I’ve found that during the quarantine some of the minutia of others has spilled over in my lane. The balance of helping others while not loosing my own grip, when does empathy become too much of a compromise, and why is it so easy to bring up self doubt. These are some questions I’m getting to the bottom of for myself, personally this month, in a kind way, not a self ridiculing way.

You’re not alone if you are still off balance, if things still don’t seem “normal,” and if you are convinced things will get worse before they get better; but all we can do is work on ourselves. Work on ourselves, love our families, be there for our tribe. Be kind, be empathetic, be generous. And give yourself a bit of time and grace.

Do You Suffer From Post Covid Outbreak Anxiety Syndrome?

The new normal.

As I’m writing this we are in the early stages of the world reopening. It’s been almost 2 months that New York and New Jersey have been pummeled by the Covid-19 Novel Corona Virus. The country and world came to a complete halt. I’m absolutely positive there is no point in going into details because no matter when you may read this, today or a hundred years from today, if there is still an internet you’ll be able to see every last detail. The whole thing seemed to just blind side us all and come out of no where. One day things are great and you hear rumblings of a virus in China. The next thing you know people are dying all around with no place to put bodies. Conspiracy theories aside, not because I don’t subscribe but because they are irrelevant at this point, it all has been so much to absorb. Mentally and emotionally there is trauma. All around. Everyone. Show me someone who says they aren’t effected and I will show you a liar. Even those that are hanging on to opinion that the whole world is over reacting are still being effected, they’re still fighting for life as they knew it.

Balance is needed to teach the littles safety while not allowing them to absorb the anxiety that is all around.

What I’ve never been shy about is admitting I’m a walking mix of issues, including a diagnosis of PTSD last fall from a combination of current family trauma including but not limited to my husband’s brain cancer and old trauma of sexual abuse by a family member. What happens when you put someone already battling PTSD in another traumatic situation like a pandemic? Is there a Post Traumatic Stress with Added Stress Syndrome? No there’s not but I just coined the anagram PCOAS, Post Covid Outbreak Anxiety Syndrome… you get the point. As with many anxiety suffers my anxiety level goes off the charts immediately after a traumatic experience. Side note: I’ve recently been told that people can live their whole lives without a traumatic experience. I had no idea my life of multiple traumas wasn’t just the way things are. Anywho, I’ve had enough traumatic experiences to realize my MO is to have extreme anxiety for an undetermined time after. Strangely enough I didn’t expect it in this instance. We’ve been sheltering in place. My family is home together, all healthy as far as Covid is concerned. I would say the circumstances have posed need for serious action as far as staying safe and keeping my parents safe also but I really thought I was handling it well. Until last week. My son and daughter that still live home are working and still occasionally going out and I’m not able to think of anything but them being in car accidents. I’m can’t sleep from having dreams one of my children dying. I’m nervous my daughter, who has severe allergies, will not only be in an accident but she’ll be taken to the hospital and be given something she’s allergic to and go into anaphylaxis. I literally ordered her a medical ID bracelet two nights ago at 2 am. The root? This pandemic came so suddenly with absolutely nothing we could do to stop it. Like a tsunami we never saw coming. So the subconscious says, “What else do I not see coming?”

The one I’m trying to keep safe and one of the sources of my anxiety!

So what is the remedy? The suggestion from my therapist is to keep a worry journal. A little different from my usual gratitude journal. List all my worries and then leave them. Leave them to leave the subconscious in peace, to sleep in peace.

I’ve been thinking about this for a few days and am going to start today. Here. This is what I’m working with tonight.

Tonight's Worries

Covid-19 is a huge reminder that we have extremely limited control, if at all, over life.

After listing tonight’s worries, well not all but the top three, my immediate thought is that I heard it said somewhere that anxiety is an indulgence only the privileged can partake of. As you look at my top 3 worries tonight do I, an American, who’s family is not effected by job loss during Covid, who’s refrigerator is full, am I being indulgent in my worries? I do believe every person’s ailments, illnesses, experiences, and feelings are as valid as anyone else’s. And my worries are valid; they are very real possibilities that exist. However, is there a line of sanity that is crossed by this type of anxiety, anxiety based on hypothetical possibilities, when there are people literally dying? Even in my own family my husband’s brain cancer, my mother’s metastatic cancer, they literally are in danger of loosing their lives. Yet even still, they are stable NOW. Why live paralyzed by the what and miss the now? So as I’m working this out in my head as I type I now see what people who “don’t believe in anxiety” see. It is so counter productive and has an element of self involvement that boarders on indecency. Yet while you can read many opinions that say anxiety is only a behavioral issue, the Mayo Clinic says, “Having an anxiety disorder does more than make you worry. It can also lead to, or worsen, other mental and physical conditions.” So it is a mental disorder but not always, it can also be a symptom of a physical ailment or side effects of medication. You can read their post about it here.

What I’m realizing is the worry journal goes hand in hand with the gratitude journal. The gratitude journal completes an exercise that the worry journal begins. The worry journal puts the worries in proper size. It’s like in your head your worries are being seen in a fun house mirror, a thousand times their actual size. The worry journal helps you to gain perspective. Then if you go to the gratitude journal you take the good, which is in the mirror in your head that makes things smaller, and make them the actual size; which is more than likely way bigger than the now smaller worries. Does it make anxiety go away? I doubt it will for me, but it will let me have control over my anxiety and not let my anxiety control me.

How Does She Do It? Four Tips to Looking Effortless.

We all know that one woman who makes it all look so easy! Her style is impeccable, her makeup is perfect, she always seems calm, cool and collected. She wears white pants year around and you can barely sip your latte without it dribbling down your shirt! Why? How?

First of all, what we aren’t going to do is think that anyone’s life is easy. Repeat after me… it’s not! No ifs, ands, or buts about it! Second, if you admire something about someone else, create that thing for yourself. You want to appear effortless and put together? It’s a piece of cake!

Have a uniform with your favorite colors, styles, and products so you are all ways the best version of yourself!

1. Know your style. We all have our own style. If you aren’t sure what your’s is sift through some fashion magazines at your local book store or better yet; make yourself a Pinterest account, search “style” and any other fashion words you can think of and make a boards of things that speak to you. Then take a look at that board. That’s your style.

2. Own your style. Your style is unique to you. It doesn’t matter who does or doesn’t like it. Own it. Of course you want to be appropriate for events and situations but every style can be adapted to be appropriate for your lifestyle. The key is to be confident in your style.

3. Make a uniform. Don’t get overwhelmed with pieces or prices. Start small. Is there a blouse that just makes you swoon? Get the blouse. A pair of jeans that are the cut that looks best on you? Find those jeans. A cardigan that makes you feel cozy all over? Find one in your price range. Then use it as your uniform. This is your style. Add pieces in colors that are you, or materials you like, but only if you love them and they fit your style. Never purchase anything you wouldn’t include in your Pinterest board. As long as you are staying within your style it will start to feel effortless, hence it will start to appear effortless to others too.

4. Apply steps 1-3 to other things in your life.

Makeup? Same. Learn your skincare and makeup needs. Choose your products and then keep them like a uniform. Extra tip: Find the perfect lipstick that makes you happy and wear it everywhere, all the time. The easiest way to seem put together!

Jewelry? You guessed it! Do the same. I’ve been wearing hoop earrings since the 80’s, and I purchased them in real gold for them to be eternal. One pair I’ve had since 8th grade (true story). I occasionally wear other earrings but I have a large yellow gold pair, and a small yellow gold pair. I have a large white gold pair, a medium white gold, and a small white gold pair. I never have to think about it. I love them. They’re me. They’re my signature! I feel confident in them, confidence contributes to looking effortless.

Hoops are my effortless go-to and part of my daily uniform.

Dinner? Yes, I said dinner. You CAN make dinner effortless! Get your June Cleaver on with a make a meal-a-day plan. Monday is meatless, Tuesdays are tacos, Wednesdays you eat chicken, Thurs… well you get the point. You could even be more specific than the meal type and just make the exact same meal every week on the same day.

Accident prone? Some of us just are, but this is the most simple remedy to keep you looking like it’s never an issue. Tide laundry pens, hand wipes, and a white wash cloths. Keep a little makeup bag with these items in it. The white wash cloth goes under your garment as you tend to the stain on top, it collects any ot the stain that could go through. Get it quick and it’s like it never happened! Do you really think she’s never spills a thing?

Taco Tuesdays don’t even have to be homemade. It’s the benefit of having Tuesday dinners being a no-brainer that will have you feeling like super woman!

So you see where I’m going with this? With just a little effort and planning on the front end, you can literally get some parts of your life down to a science. Will that assure the rest of your life runs like clockwork? Of course not! However, every little bit counts. The confidence you’ll get from being organized this way is priceless and will radiate through your day, the reduction in anxiety will show through. Soon you’ll have them asking, “How does she do it?”

When We Label We Loose

Living with gratitude and joy is not instantaneous. It’s not something you can master overnight if you can ever indeed master it. It’s an ongoing process that takes deliberate practice daily.It’s something I certainly haven’t mastered but work day after day to maintain and grow. I had lunch with a friend and it was the second time this week someone had said to me something along the lines of I had my stuff together. To me this ranks right up there with the dreaded, “you’re so strong!” comment. Neither are sentiments I stand by or will allow to go unaddressed. For two reasons.

1. IT’S SIMPLY NOT A TRUE STATEMENT: There is no one who has their stuff together. Fight me. There’s just no way! If one area is together, I can confidently say another area in life is in shambles or at least disheveled a bit. What makes us all the same is we are all human. There is no human who has it all together.

2. STRENGTH IS RARELY PURE GRIT: I’m strong willed and opinionated but that shouldn’t be confused with with being strong as in, “she can handle anything.” When it comes to crisis or challenges in my life I usually have no other option but to put my head down and walk through the storm. Especially with kids… is there really any other option? My faith and, I believe God, gives me the will to fight when in just isn’t in me. And not to be overlooked is pure stubbornness. Sometimes just being completely stubborn means I’m gonna get it done!

3. IT ROBS ME OF SUPPORT: Yes we live in a time where we are pretty used to saying ourselves. What is true is that, yes, we need to know ourselves and be responsible for our personal growth. We cannot find happiness in others, it’s an inside job as they say. Still, again going back to the fact that we are all human, we must acknowledge that a life with those who support us and are there for us and empathize with us is a better life than one without. The need for someone to witness and understand our plight and circumstances is fundamental to the human condition. So someone holding on to the idea that I, or anyone, has it all together robs us of the support and understanding that eases the burdens we all carry. If people think we have it all figured out and all together then we get overlooked as the “strong” ones. The word strong, attached by others, can quickly translate to alone for the ones who wear the label.

My gratitude for my family keeps going, and maybe makes it look easier than it really is!

So I say… understand that my Instagram does not make up a complete picture of my life. The days I don’t post are often days I am completely overwhelmed, or battling health issues of my own or someone in my family. Understand that when I post about gratitude and joy it’s just as much a post to myself because I need to remind me of the keys to happiness. I post and express myself because if I kept it all in I would explode, not because I have it all figured out. I share because there’s a tribe of a few who are living with similar battles and struggles but still want to make the most of their lives. If you are reading this, chances are we have an interchange of support and for that I thank you. And to all I say, support your tribe, including the ones who “seem” to have it all together.

Personal Update - In A Quiet Place

When you have committed to being on a journey of self-awareness you become aware of changes and shifts as they are actually taking place. 

I'm currently in a hyper-reflective space. If you follow my posts, you might remember I was going through a rough patch and wondering if it was all peri-menopause related. I was actually diagnosed as having PTSD and have been trying to combine physical, emotional, and mental healing methods. 

I've been following Ullenka Kash and incorporating this eating style back into my life. I've always weaved in and out of a macro, vegitarian-ish way of eating and have really got away from it. I'm now not only just preparing plant heavy meals for myself, but my the whole family. 

Exercise, of course is an on going theme. I know the power of exercise in healing the body in a plethora of ways and need to get in action. I have the habit of wanting to go hard or nothing, which often translates to nothing! I'm now focusing on basic movements that I can sustain more easily on a daily basis. 

Increasing quantity and variety of plants in my cooking. Here: a bit of white fish with tomatoes, shallots and fennel.

Spiritually, I'm really trying to improve my meditation. Not mind empty meditation but deep contemplation on my connection to my Creator. 

Emotionally, I had pressed the pause button on friendships. It was drastic but 100% needed and I’m glad I did that for myself. I actually got a new phone, changed my phone number, and told no one. It left me to become truly aware of who was really in my life. I only put numbers back in of people I truly still had connections with. It also left me to see who wanted to really get in touch with me because finding my number would take a little digging. It's been about two years and I’m feeling like reaching out to people I miss is truly authentic. And I feel at ease and not forced. I am nurturing relationships that have understanding and undercurrents of positivity with people who appreciate life and strive for growth. 

“Stress, loss, and past traumas can effect you even when you feel like you are functioning well. It’s important to be in communication with your doctors/therapist to stay on top of what is really going on.”

I'm respecting the signals that I need to adjust for my mental health. I'm checking vitamin levels, hormones, and health issues that can have an effect on my mental health. 

So through all this I've come to a place where I feel like some things are shifting. I'm feeling quiet which, as a person with constant head chatter, is huge! 

Life is about constant change and letting go of control. It's amazing how many things you can tell yourself effect you, only to realize they aren't in your control. And it's interesting to discover that what is actually effecting you is what you told yourself isn't an issue. I'm grateful to be able to be able shift and realize it's not all some great strength I personally have, but the connections I have what's greater than me. 

I Speak Because I Know

This was me a month and a half ago. Wearing a 24 hour heart monitor because my resting heart rate was fluctuating between 114 and 120 bpm.

When you tell the doctor you’ve had heart palpitations for over 10 years, you get a look that makes you want to explain that you aren’t complacent your life is just really complicated.

Over the past decade I would go to the ER I had dizziness or shortness of breath, get and EKG and be sent home with a cardiologist name that I would never follow up with.

Family members fighting cancer, an unexpected pregnancy, then an infant, teenagers with teenage drama, deaths in the family, all happening simultaneously really doesn’t lend itself to focusing on your own health.

Until I woke up feeling like my heart was beating out of chest. Apple watch clocked me at 120bpm at 7am. I had kids to drop off at school and errands to run. So went to urgent care when I could fit it in hoping to get a quick EKG. What I got instead was reprimanded was told to go straight to the hospital.

Long story short. My heart beats, pumps, and looks fine. One month, an echocardiogram, an ultrasound, a sleep study and one methocolate challenge later and I find I have sleep apnea, and asthma, and have developed a sensitivity to caffeine. So far treating the above has found me improved at my last follow up.

Three things kept me ignoring the tightness in my chest and heart palpatations.

1. Being overwhelmed with other things.

2. Thinking it was because I was getting older and am a little heavier. I worked out more instead saying I was having a problem out loud. I really didn’t want to even tell my husband, it seemed admission of a failure.

3. Having Fibromyalgia I have some pain and related symptoms most days. I assumed some of the pain was related to that, which meant there was no point in spending the time on checking it to just find out nothing can really be done.

We live for them, let’s make sure we continue living for them.

Moral of my story… Don’t survive all life has to throw at you only to be taken down by a health issue that you could’ve taken care of if you had got it checked out. Dying from uncontrolled asthma is not how I’m going out!

Take my advice and schedule appointments to have any concerns, even small ones, addressed with your doctor. It seems like the easiest thing to neglect on your to do list since it’s for you, but don’t do it. Treat yourself like a friend you love, and make sure you are taking care of your health!

Face My Weight

So I never talk about weight on the gram, on Facebook, never here in my blog… but, here I go.

The reality is I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been.

Through to my early twenties I never had a weight issue. At 5’3” I’ve always had an athletic build but maintained 129lbs, to 135lbs even after my first child. I went through my aerobic step phase and had a true six pack. I dated a jock and we worked out together. Blah, blah, blah, right? Who cares? The reality is right this minute, at 45, still 5’3” I weigh more than I have my whole life.

Is there a reason? Three more children? Nope, because I’ve always been able to get under control at least within two years after birth; it’s four years since giving birth to my youngest. Is it fibromyalgia? My fibromyalgia does make it harder to loose weight due to two factors: low serotonin, and FMS related edema. That’s not it though. The reality is, it’s stress. It is so much stress, at times I feel like I’m drowning. That’s the reality.

The effect my husband’s brain cancer has had is indescribable. A toddler in the mist of this and a teenage daughter? Need I say more? Add to it, aging parents - my mom with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Loosing my grandson… the list goes on. I’ll spare you rest of the details. I know there are many that can relate. Just tell me why I can’t be the women who can’t eat? Who gets emaciated from the stress? And it’s not the eating, in fact I’m not a big eater. I have, in full disclosure however, gotten away from being 85% clean.

The first workout is always the hardest!

So here I am. Fat and still stressed. I’m now at a weight I feel unhealthy and uncomfortable. The self care advocate who takes care of everyone now needs to, “heal thyself.”

I have a plan. I have to do it. Consider this a manifesto. The goal? To go back to eating at least 80% / 20%, and my weight and my stress with movement.

Really See What It’s All About

Getting older can be a mind trip. It’s true. The only way to change what can easily become a depressing obsession is to refocus with gratitude.

When faced with terminal illness of loved ones, you become instantly aware of time. Once you start to adapt to the new circumstances, it becomes easier to just have gratitude for each day that you are given. 

I think they thought it gave them more adult credibility to not smile. In reality they’re teddy bears!

My husband and his bestie from his teenage years still keep in touch. We had dinner with his family last night and to see the two over-40’s talking family, parenting, spirituality, and life was such a gift. To have people who know you, and stick by you; to grow the family of friendship so that it includes spouses and children really gives you a moment of clarity... that this is really what it’s all about. 

I'm No Martha Stewart

As I was revamping my website to include my name change and basically the pivot I’ve done in life, I came across one of those stories that pop up on the internet when your reading or searching for something else. It’s always a list; “7 Worst Vacation Spots in the World,” “10 Deadliest Roads in America,” “5 Celebrities You Thought Were Dead.” This one was, I think, was “13 Famous Feuding Couples,” The list included Gweynth Paltrow and Martha Stewart. GP has the famous lifestyle blog and brand, and Martha Stewart… well is Martha Stewart. The article quoted MS in a Bloomberg TV interview as taking a pot shot at GP saying, “She's a charming, pretty person who has a feeling for lifestyle. She wants to be a lifestyle arbiter. Fine. Good. I think I started this whole category of lifestyle.” She later was quoted as saying in a Porter interview, "[Paltrow] just needs to be quiet. She's a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn't be trying to be Martha Stewart."

Creating fine knitwear has been a dream of mine. Now I’m so excited to share my style with you! The knitting community rocks and it really is like a little club of happy people!

I regularly cook for my family (three still in the nest) and for my parents. My whole family and I have food sensitivities, my parents have a specific diet, and my daughter has severe food allergies. Cooking for my family takes an enormous amount of thought and preparation. To say that my meal decisions are a matter of life and death, really isn’t an exaggeration. I know there are many with food allergies and dietary concerns. I want to connect with others that are in the same circumstance.

This gives you chills if you’ve recently changed your business name to anything and added, “Living” to it as I did. Let me say, I have no intentions of being an authority on anything. I have no friends that are yogis to the stars, or that vacation in Corsica. Well, I actually do have a friend that vacas in Corsica, but you get the point. I have no dreams of fame or being anywhere in MS’s peripheral vision to bring on the wrath. I renamed my business “Living” because that’s what I’m doing. I’m living to the best of my ability and have been through some stuff. There’s been occasions where I found purpose in the challenges and setbacks of life from the fact that others could be helped, could see themselves in me, or that my reminder of gratitude what just what they needed.

I’m I licensed cosmetologist from New Jersey, by trade. I’m a skincare and makeup guide who also happens to be married for 21 years, have 4 children, and as you read on the front page of this website, I’ve been through more than the average mama-bear. The death of my grandson in Dec of 2018, was the final push I needed to semi-retired from the beauty industry and to pursue all the things that move me and give me joy. As a younger women I did everything I could think of. I always ran my own business and was a maker, creator, or artist selling what I created with my own hands. As I became older I somehow believed I wasn’t being serious about life I didn’t focus on just one thing. The focus did pay off in a lot of ways but did leave a hole. The hole, I found out, is that I need to be doing everything that brings me joy, and life.

So here I am, no Martha Stewart but I am living!

I’m the wife of a brain cancer fighter. Living with cancer effects the whole family in ways only other cancer families can relate to. Brain cancer is the least researched cancer and many people do not talk about the experience. I know the real life struggle, I deal with it daily, I want to be able to share that with others going through the same thing. I want them to know they aren’t alone.