Not What They Expect

I’ve always been a round peg in a square hole. My whole life I’ve never quite fit in. I can pinpoint four reasons, not in any particular order:

I have an affinity for embroidery that suggest I should have lived before my time. Or in at least been born in Istanbul!

• We had very unique parents with a very specific point of view.

• We really didn’t watch tv, mostly news shows, cooking show, and documentaries; pop culture was kind of lost on us.

• We were raised in New England and the family moved to New Jersey, my dad’s birthplace. I was just turning 13. New Jersey, especially Southern Jersey, is it’s own kind of place.

• We were raised to appreciate all types of music, read ferociously, and appreciate people for they are, not how they looked.

Fast forward to last month…

I was on Facebook with some colleagues. This particular group was diverse but I would say at least 70% black, residing in and South of Maryland. The subject was missing live music events and the woman leading this conversation asked, “What is the best concert you’ve ever been to?” Right away I was excited because live music is literally my jam! I’m an avid concert goer and believe nothing beats a live music event with real musical artists. Then I paused. And I looked at the other comments first. Why? Because remember, round peg square hole. Because remember the above demographic statistic on this particular Facebook group.

I can be a very colorful round peg!

As I looked at previous comments I saw:

• Anita Baker

• Luther Vandross

• Prince

• Michael Jackson

• Beyonce

• Alicia Keys

• Among others of similar genres of R&B and R&B/pop cross over.

What are my favorite concerts?

• Weezer

• Prince

• Cold Play

• John Mayer (When he doesn’t talk and just plays the guitar he’s amazing)

• 311

• The Lumineers

• AWOL Nation

• Barbra Streisand

You get my problem? No? Well I may look like I should able to relate to a 70% black female conversation, but, nope, doesn’t happen. What does happen is radio silence and stares. Then comments.

However, I found that I am not the only nerd, post punk, artist, classical music loving, strange clothes wearing black girl. There’s a few of us around. Hard to find, but we’re there. You see us in mosh pits, in Barnes and Nobles, at summer festivals, hiking in state parks, strolling through art galleries, and backpacking around Europe. And that’s why being an entrepreneur has never been a question.

Shorts, hose, and docs… my uniform.

I never fit in so I have always had to make my own way. And now that I’m older, and the world is getting smaller, I meet so many young women who are the same. They feel like they don’t fit in the box that is expected of them. They don’t feel like they fit in any box. And that’s okay. The Boutique by CCPCL and Cici Pagán Creative Living llc in general is really about being seen in a different light. It’s about not just seeing that someone is a round peg and trying to force them into the square hole. It’s about seeing the beauty of being a round peg. It’s about looking for another space to occupy instead of just the square hole. And sometimes it’s seeing that round or square, we’re both shapes that can’t be lived without. Too much of the shape metaphor’s?

The Boutique is about seeing that even when at first glance someone seems to not fit the mold you had in mind that you can look closer. My style may not be your style and may seem completely foreign to you. However, if you look closely you will find elements that we share - hand painted wearable art, small classic jewelry, large statement pieces, multifunctional clothing. My hope is that regardless of what your style, background, or view, you’ll be able to see a piece of yourself in me, and see we are all the same just put together a little differently.

My affinity for Birkenstock’s is well documented.

Remote Learning, Relocating, and Returning to Life

September seems to have come and gone but apparently the trees didn’t get the memo. Are we the only ones with a yard full of green leaves still? Poor earth, all confused! Well, my fam and I seem in sync with with summer disorientation lingering this month.

First, by an unexpected turn of evens we found ourselves house hunting. We’ve wanted to move for years but it never seemed to be the right time. So with this opportunity suddenly appearing we thought this may be it. Well it wasn’t it. However, instead going back to the regular scheduled program we got bit by the moving bug and started house hunting in earnest. If you know anything about the current housing market you know houses are selling quicker than snow cones down under; I’m talking 15 minutes after being listed! Needless to say we came away not only with no new home but frazzled nerves. We’ve been in our little house for 20 years. We raised our kids here, laughed/cried/screamed here, entertained and pow-wowed. We got my mom’s cancer diagnosis here, my dad’s, and my husbands. This back patio of this house is where I engraved my grandson’s name and mourned his loss. So in all sense of the word this is our home. We have, what for it, one and a half bathrooms! I know! We’ve raised kids and had sleepovers under these conditions! Any who, it seems like this is where we’ll stay. The middle young adult is about to spread his wings, the teenage girl is going into college, and the little is now in the school system, albeit remote, that has been so good to my kids.

Speaking of remote, we are now in the 3rd week of remote learning and feeling totally like fish out of water. Between computers not working, codes being written and rewritten, emails being accidently deleted, folders lost… we thought we’d never get settled in but here we are. The little is in Kindergarten and his teacher is online via Zoom for the full class. Here’s something you may not know. New Jersey is one of the few states who DO NOT have a state funded public homeschool option. This means you can indeed homeschool your children but it must be through a private school. Doing so with out state funding means each homeschool family’s budget dictates whether there is an online teacher visible in real time or whether there is no teacher and only written correspondence. Other states have the option to homeschool but the state pays to have the children do so they are synced up with the local public schools. I homeschooled by daughter from 3rd grade to 8th and we had to pay for all instruction through private education. What is ironic is that now, due to Covid, remoted learning connected right to the public school is now available. So it actually is one of those silver lining things for families that were considering homeschool anyway. Due to Covid, we are saving money on private education and, In our case, the teacher is there real time, full time, explaining and taking questions. How many things in your life have ironically turned out to be a silver lining in this Covid-19 fiasco?

The third thing that happened in September… I opened a boutique ya’ll! The Boutique by CCPCL was an exciting idea who’s time had come. It was a scary, bumpy, sleep deprived ride but I did it all on my own. That is one of the most satisfying thing for me. Troubleshooting, planning, and creating on my own. I’m 47 and could easily be out of touch with technology. Don’t get me wrong it’s not easy, but I get in there, do my research and get it going. Sometimes it takes 3 or 4 different videos saying the same thing in different ways, sometimes it takes reverse engineering, sometimes it takes 4 cups of coffee! In any event, the project that is yours’s is the project that you will always be proud of. I had a launch date of September 12th and I launched on September 12th! I was so moved by the support I received and the launch was a success. We opened with a bang and kind of like when you have a baby, I was simultaneously ecstatic but also acutely aware of what it will take to grow this baby.

Top take away of September?

1. If you can’t move still go to some open houses. You’ll get fresh new ideas on maximizing your space and maybe regain a whole new sense of gratitude about your current dwellings.

2. Big or small doesn’t matter, the family in the house does.

3. Even the worst circumstances can have some great silver linings.

4. Never say you can’t because you can. It may be hard, but that’s not the point. You can do it.

So what’s on tap for you in October? Now that we’re back to schedule I look forward to just settling into our routine even more. The one thing I really want to do though is to do some re-centering of myself. There’s some spiritual digging I want to do and some reaffirming of what I know to be true. I’ve found that during the quarantine some of the minutia of others has spilled over in my lane. The balance of helping others while not loosing my own grip, when does empathy become too much of a compromise, and why is it so easy to bring up self doubt. These are some questions I’m getting to the bottom of for myself, personally this month, in a kind way, not a self ridiculing way.

You’re not alone if you are still off balance, if things still don’t seem “normal,” and if you are convinced things will get worse before they get better; but all we can do is work on ourselves. Work on ourselves, love our families, be there for our tribe. Be kind, be empathetic, be generous. And give yourself a bit of time and grace.