Do You Suffer From Post Covid Outbreak Anxiety Syndrome?

The new normal.

As I’m writing this we are in the early stages of the world reopening. It’s been almost 2 months that New York and New Jersey have been pummeled by the Covid-19 Novel Corona Virus. The country and world came to a complete halt. I’m absolutely positive there is no point in going into details because no matter when you may read this, today or a hundred years from today, if there is still an internet you’ll be able to see every last detail. The whole thing seemed to just blind side us all and come out of no where. One day things are great and you hear rumblings of a virus in China. The next thing you know people are dying all around with no place to put bodies. Conspiracy theories aside, not because I don’t subscribe but because they are irrelevant at this point, it all has been so much to absorb. Mentally and emotionally there is trauma. All around. Everyone. Show me someone who says they aren’t effected and I will show you a liar. Even those that are hanging on to opinion that the whole world is over reacting are still being effected, they’re still fighting for life as they knew it.

Balance is needed to teach the littles safety while not allowing them to absorb the anxiety that is all around.

What I’ve never been shy about is admitting I’m a walking mix of issues, including a diagnosis of PTSD last fall from a combination of current family trauma including but not limited to my husband’s brain cancer and old trauma of sexual abuse by a family member. What happens when you put someone already battling PTSD in another traumatic situation like a pandemic? Is there a Post Traumatic Stress with Added Stress Syndrome? No there’s not but I just coined the anagram PCOAS, Post Covid Outbreak Anxiety Syndrome… you get the point. As with many anxiety suffers my anxiety level goes off the charts immediately after a traumatic experience. Side note: I’ve recently been told that people can live their whole lives without a traumatic experience. I had no idea my life of multiple traumas wasn’t just the way things are. Anywho, I’ve had enough traumatic experiences to realize my MO is to have extreme anxiety for an undetermined time after. Strangely enough I didn’t expect it in this instance. We’ve been sheltering in place. My family is home together, all healthy as far as Covid is concerned. I would say the circumstances have posed need for serious action as far as staying safe and keeping my parents safe also but I really thought I was handling it well. Until last week. My son and daughter that still live home are working and still occasionally going out and I’m not able to think of anything but them being in car accidents. I’m can’t sleep from having dreams one of my children dying. I’m nervous my daughter, who has severe allergies, will not only be in an accident but she’ll be taken to the hospital and be given something she’s allergic to and go into anaphylaxis. I literally ordered her a medical ID bracelet two nights ago at 2 am. The root? This pandemic came so suddenly with absolutely nothing we could do to stop it. Like a tsunami we never saw coming. So the subconscious says, “What else do I not see coming?”

The one I’m trying to keep safe and one of the sources of my anxiety!

So what is the remedy? The suggestion from my therapist is to keep a worry journal. A little different from my usual gratitude journal. List all my worries and then leave them. Leave them to leave the subconscious in peace, to sleep in peace.

I’ve been thinking about this for a few days and am going to start today. Here. This is what I’m working with tonight.

Tonight's Worries

Covid-19 is a huge reminder that we have extremely limited control, if at all, over life.

After listing tonight’s worries, well not all but the top three, my immediate thought is that I heard it said somewhere that anxiety is an indulgence only the privileged can partake of. As you look at my top 3 worries tonight do I, an American, who’s family is not effected by job loss during Covid, who’s refrigerator is full, am I being indulgent in my worries? I do believe every person’s ailments, illnesses, experiences, and feelings are as valid as anyone else’s. And my worries are valid; they are very real possibilities that exist. However, is there a line of sanity that is crossed by this type of anxiety, anxiety based on hypothetical possibilities, when there are people literally dying? Even in my own family my husband’s brain cancer, my mother’s metastatic cancer, they literally are in danger of loosing their lives. Yet even still, they are stable NOW. Why live paralyzed by the what and miss the now? So as I’m working this out in my head as I type I now see what people who “don’t believe in anxiety” see. It is so counter productive and has an element of self involvement that boarders on indecency. Yet while you can read many opinions that say anxiety is only a behavioral issue, the Mayo Clinic says, “Having an anxiety disorder does more than make you worry. It can also lead to, or worsen, other mental and physical conditions.” So it is a mental disorder but not always, it can also be a symptom of a physical ailment or side effects of medication. You can read their post about it here.

What I’m realizing is the worry journal goes hand in hand with the gratitude journal. The gratitude journal completes an exercise that the worry journal begins. The worry journal puts the worries in proper size. It’s like in your head your worries are being seen in a fun house mirror, a thousand times their actual size. The worry journal helps you to gain perspective. Then if you go to the gratitude journal you take the good, which is in the mirror in your head that makes things smaller, and make them the actual size; which is more than likely way bigger than the now smaller worries. Does it make anxiety go away? I doubt it will for me, but it will let me have control over my anxiety and not let my anxiety control me.

How Does She Do It? Four Tips to Looking Effortless.

We all know that one woman who makes it all look so easy! Her style is impeccable, her makeup is perfect, she always seems calm, cool and collected. She wears white pants year around and you can barely sip your latte without it dribbling down your shirt! Why? How?

First of all, what we aren’t going to do is think that anyone’s life is easy. Repeat after me… it’s not! No ifs, ands, or buts about it! Second, if you admire something about someone else, create that thing for yourself. You want to appear effortless and put together? It’s a piece of cake!

Have a uniform with your favorite colors, styles, and products so you are all ways the best version of yourself!

1. Know your style. We all have our own style. If you aren’t sure what your’s is sift through some fashion magazines at your local book store or better yet; make yourself a Pinterest account, search “style” and any other fashion words you can think of and make a boards of things that speak to you. Then take a look at that board. That’s your style.

2. Own your style. Your style is unique to you. It doesn’t matter who does or doesn’t like it. Own it. Of course you want to be appropriate for events and situations but every style can be adapted to be appropriate for your lifestyle. The key is to be confident in your style.

3. Make a uniform. Don’t get overwhelmed with pieces or prices. Start small. Is there a blouse that just makes you swoon? Get the blouse. A pair of jeans that are the cut that looks best on you? Find those jeans. A cardigan that makes you feel cozy all over? Find one in your price range. Then use it as your uniform. This is your style. Add pieces in colors that are you, or materials you like, but only if you love them and they fit your style. Never purchase anything you wouldn’t include in your Pinterest board. As long as you are staying within your style it will start to feel effortless, hence it will start to appear effortless to others too.

4. Apply steps 1-3 to other things in your life.

Makeup? Same. Learn your skincare and makeup needs. Choose your products and then keep them like a uniform. Extra tip: Find the perfect lipstick that makes you happy and wear it everywhere, all the time. The easiest way to seem put together!

Jewelry? You guessed it! Do the same. I’ve been wearing hoop earrings since the 80’s, and I purchased them in real gold for them to be eternal. One pair I’ve had since 8th grade (true story). I occasionally wear other earrings but I have a large yellow gold pair, and a small yellow gold pair. I have a large white gold pair, a medium white gold, and a small white gold pair. I never have to think about it. I love them. They’re me. They’re my signature! I feel confident in them, confidence contributes to looking effortless.

Hoops are my effortless go-to and part of my daily uniform.

Dinner? Yes, I said dinner. You CAN make dinner effortless! Get your June Cleaver on with a make a meal-a-day plan. Monday is meatless, Tuesdays are tacos, Wednesdays you eat chicken, Thurs… well you get the point. You could even be more specific than the meal type and just make the exact same meal every week on the same day.

Accident prone? Some of us just are, but this is the most simple remedy to keep you looking like it’s never an issue. Tide laundry pens, hand wipes, and a white wash cloths. Keep a little makeup bag with these items in it. The white wash cloth goes under your garment as you tend to the stain on top, it collects any ot the stain that could go through. Get it quick and it’s like it never happened! Do you really think she’s never spills a thing?

Taco Tuesdays don’t even have to be homemade. It’s the benefit of having Tuesday dinners being a no-brainer that will have you feeling like super woman!

So you see where I’m going with this? With just a little effort and planning on the front end, you can literally get some parts of your life down to a science. Will that assure the rest of your life runs like clockwork? Of course not! However, every little bit counts. The confidence you’ll get from being organized this way is priceless and will radiate through your day, the reduction in anxiety will show through. Soon you’ll have them asking, “How does she do it?”

When We Label We Loose

Living with gratitude and joy is not instantaneous. It’s not something you can master overnight if you can ever indeed master it. It’s an ongoing process that takes deliberate practice daily.It’s something I certainly haven’t mastered but work day after day to maintain and grow. I had lunch with a friend and it was the second time this week someone had said to me something along the lines of I had my stuff together. To me this ranks right up there with the dreaded, “you’re so strong!” comment. Neither are sentiments I stand by or will allow to go unaddressed. For two reasons.

1. IT’S SIMPLY NOT A TRUE STATEMENT: There is no one who has their stuff together. Fight me. There’s just no way! If one area is together, I can confidently say another area in life is in shambles or at least disheveled a bit. What makes us all the same is we are all human. There is no human who has it all together.

2. STRENGTH IS RARELY PURE GRIT: I’m strong willed and opinionated but that shouldn’t be confused with with being strong as in, “she can handle anything.” When it comes to crisis or challenges in my life I usually have no other option but to put my head down and walk through the storm. Especially with kids… is there really any other option? My faith and, I believe God, gives me the will to fight when in just isn’t in me. And not to be overlooked is pure stubbornness. Sometimes just being completely stubborn means I’m gonna get it done!

3. IT ROBS ME OF SUPPORT: Yes we live in a time where we are pretty used to saying ourselves. What is true is that, yes, we need to know ourselves and be responsible for our personal growth. We cannot find happiness in others, it’s an inside job as they say. Still, again going back to the fact that we are all human, we must acknowledge that a life with those who support us and are there for us and empathize with us is a better life than one without. The need for someone to witness and understand our plight and circumstances is fundamental to the human condition. So someone holding on to the idea that I, or anyone, has it all together robs us of the support and understanding that eases the burdens we all carry. If people think we have it all figured out and all together then we get overlooked as the “strong” ones. The word strong, attached by others, can quickly translate to alone for the ones who wear the label.

My gratitude for my family keeps going, and maybe makes it look easier than it really is!

So I say… understand that my Instagram does not make up a complete picture of my life. The days I don’t post are often days I am completely overwhelmed, or battling health issues of my own or someone in my family. Understand that when I post about gratitude and joy it’s just as much a post to myself because I need to remind me of the keys to happiness. I post and express myself because if I kept it all in I would explode, not because I have it all figured out. I share because there’s a tribe of a few who are living with similar battles and struggles but still want to make the most of their lives. If you are reading this, chances are we have an interchange of support and for that I thank you. And to all I say, support your tribe, including the ones who “seem” to have it all together.

Personal Update - In A Quiet Place

When you have committed to being on a journey of self-awareness you become aware of changes and shifts as they are actually taking place. 

I'm currently in a hyper-reflective space. If you follow my posts, you might remember I was going through a rough patch and wondering if it was all peri-menopause related. I was actually diagnosed as having PTSD and have been trying to combine physical, emotional, and mental healing methods. 

I've been following Ullenka Kash and incorporating this eating style back into my life. I've always weaved in and out of a macro, vegitarian-ish way of eating and have really got away from it. I'm now not only just preparing plant heavy meals for myself, but my the whole family. 

Exercise, of course is an on going theme. I know the power of exercise in healing the body in a plethora of ways and need to get in action. I have the habit of wanting to go hard or nothing, which often translates to nothing! I'm now focusing on basic movements that I can sustain more easily on a daily basis. 

Increasing quantity and variety of plants in my cooking. Here: a bit of white fish with tomatoes, shallots and fennel.

Spiritually, I'm really trying to improve my meditation. Not mind empty meditation but deep contemplation on my connection to my Creator. 

Emotionally, I had pressed the pause button on friendships. It was drastic but 100% needed and I’m glad I did that for myself. I actually got a new phone, changed my phone number, and told no one. It left me to become truly aware of who was really in my life. I only put numbers back in of people I truly still had connections with. It also left me to see who wanted to really get in touch with me because finding my number would take a little digging. It's been about two years and I’m feeling like reaching out to people I miss is truly authentic. And I feel at ease and not forced. I am nurturing relationships that have understanding and undercurrents of positivity with people who appreciate life and strive for growth. 

“Stress, loss, and past traumas can effect you even when you feel like you are functioning well. It’s important to be in communication with your doctors/therapist to stay on top of what is really going on.”

I'm respecting the signals that I need to adjust for my mental health. I'm checking vitamin levels, hormones, and health issues that can have an effect on my mental health. 

So through all this I've come to a place where I feel like some things are shifting. I'm feeling quiet which, as a person with constant head chatter, is huge! 

Life is about constant change and letting go of control. It's amazing how many things you can tell yourself effect you, only to realize they aren't in your control. And it's interesting to discover that what is actually effecting you is what you told yourself isn't an issue. I'm grateful to be able to be able shift and realize it's not all some great strength I personally have, but the connections I have what's greater than me. 

It Happens To All Of Us

My youngest eats way more french fries than my older kids ever did!

So I did a thing. It happened in an instant before I even realized what I was doing. I had just took a break from playing outside with my four year old, as forty-five year old mommies sometimes have to do, and was thinking how different parenting at this age is. Yes, I know having a child is a gift not every woman gets, even when she wants it so desperately. Yes, I know that women have babies at all ages and things couldn’t be better for them. However, what I also know is what it was like to be pregnant before my twentieth birthday with my first son. I also know what it was like to be pregnant and a parent at twenty-three with my second son, then at thirty with my daughter. So if there is one thing I know for myself is that being a mom over forty is extremely different. I’m sure it wouldn’t have even phased me if I only knew forty-something pregnancy and parenting, but alas that’s not the case. The energy is different, and I get on the slide and the swing and do soccer and the whole nine, I’m not cutting corners here! It’s tiring in a way it just never was before. Of course emotionally, mentally, and financially it’s better but, and I say this all the time, I was Martha stinkin Stewart when I was in mommy mode in my twenties and thirties! I was homemaking; refinishing furniture, decorating the house, having dinner parties. I was mom extraordinaire; gift closet so I always was prepared, extras for when the kids had company, all games pieces in little zip loc bags counted and accounted for, everyone on multi-vitamins, each diet studied and followed to the nth degree , everyone up at a certain time, and in bed like clockwork, etc. etc. etc. Now, if I can get the 4 year old dressed, get him to eat a vegetable, have a day that includes instruction and exercise, get some work done, get a shower myself and dinner for everyone before 7:30… it is a phenomenal day!

When I was a younger mom I was also the sugar police. Forty-five year old mom is off duty apparently!

Somehow I digressed. So the thing I did while I was resting? I thought of someone I know; younger, more kids, who apparently has time for everything including a different hair color and cut every 2 weeks, always looking perky and fresh and seems like all her children are self cleaning… like an oven, and thought, “I don’t know how she does it. Why can’t I get myself together? People must think about me and say, ‘why isn’t she doing more!’” I know better, but I’m telling you it happens to us all. “Don’t compare,” I scolded myself in my head as I was filling my dishwasher. Then I thought well since I brought up the comparison what would I tell a friend if she said she was feeling this way? Would I go down the list of all the reasons my friend’s life was indeed harder? Would I try and minimize comparison-mom and make it seem like she doesn’t really take care of her kids and family that well? Would that help?

Anything blue… are you kidding me? I had a list on the grandparent’s fridge, in the baby sitting folder,(yes, there was one) and each aunt’s house, which all stated, NO BLUE FOODS that don’t grow out of the ground that way. Now look! #oldermomproblems

Actually, what I would say is, “Don’t compare yourself, you two are different. You cannot compare your life to anyone else’s because there are so many variables. Why not just assume young comparison-mom is struggling to keep it together like all moms are,” because we all are aren’t we? In one way or another. We’re all on our mom journey, but no one knows what our shoes feel like on our feet.

We all will occasionally think, “How does… do it?” It’s what we do after the thought that counts. I struggle. I know you do too. 100? I was struggling when I was trying to be Martha stinkin’ Stewart! I know we all are struggling in some way or another. Let’s just look over at the mom in the next lane and give her a knowing head nod, not a mean mug, or superior smirk. It would really help relieve some pressure, don’t you think?

Why Aren't You Doing This For Yourself?

Rachel Zoe - Vintage Boho Style

Photo from Wonderwall.com

If budget and time weren’t a factor what would you say your personal style would be? I’ll help you. Do you have a personal style mirror? A personal style mirror is what I call the person who’s style you best identify with; the perfect way to hone in on your own style.

Tracey Ellis Ross - Boho Street Style

Photo from the Septemberstandard.com

Is it :

Audrey Hepburn? Straight lines, classic feminine (Jackie O fits this mirror too)

Carrie Bradshaw? Fun street style, label maven, whatever is trending

Julia Roberts? Town and Country, no fuss, feminine and functional

Olivia Pope? High style, ultra tailored, sophisticated feminine

Rainbow Johnson/Kryzada Rodriguez? Boho with a Street Style mix

Alicia Keys - Straight Street Style

Kim Kardashian/Jennifer Lopez? Sexy street style (Ferggie would be included in this style)

Rachel Zoe - Vintage Boho

Erykah Badu/ Stevie Knicks - Earthy Boho

Now the next question? Why does budget and time limit you from expressing your style? Could it really be fatigue and stress has worn you down?

Alicia Keys - Street Style

Photo tag: Alicia-Keys-Grazia-France-Nico-06

Our lives are either so fast paced physically, or so loaded up mentally/emotionally, or all of the above, that sometimes style and esthetics doesn’t even make the list. We say things like, “Remember when I used to dress this way? I was so cute!” or even just a wistful, “I love her style!” when seeing someone who’s style rings a chord. That’s your inner style reminding you it’s in there!

Julia Roberts - Town and Country Style

Elle..com Getty Images

Olivia Pope - Sophisticated Style

Photo from HelloGorgeous.com subject to copyright

The 21st century may have more cons than pros but a definite positive is price point is no hindrance of style. You can curate your style at Target and thrift stores as easy as you can boutiques and Nordstroms. Skincare? Skincare is healthcare. I try to get all my clients to include their skincare in their monthly budget. It’s worth canceling one of your streaming subscriptions for, or making coffee at home instead of Starbucks! Makeup is optional but you can buy one lipstick and use it for lips, cheeks and even eyes. No excuses!

I’m just going to say it. You aren’t living your style because you’re tired and worn out. There. I said it. Girl, that may not change. If it doesn’t change are you just going to let life drag you around like a rag doll? No, living your style is not frivolous or superficial. Im not talking about becoming unbalanced and obsessed. I’m talking about showing up to be the best you. I’m talking about seeing someone you went to school with and not hiding because you know you didn’t try this morning. I’m talking not walking past a window and mirror and feeling defeated.

Do this for yourself. Be your style. Convey your style. You have control of how you stand up to the world. If you’re in a business office or taking your mom to the doctor’s office, get dressed and nurture your skin.

Give me three days out of the week. Try expressing your style for 3 days. Showing up with a moisturized face and a tinted gloss or creamy lipstick. See how you feel. I know you’ll love the results!

Cover Photo of Audrey Hepburn 1967 from The Good Films

Really See What It’s All About

Getting older can be a mind trip. It’s true. The only way to change what can easily become a depressing obsession is to refocus with gratitude.

When faced with terminal illness of loved ones, you become instantly aware of time. Once you start to adapt to the new circumstances, it becomes easier to just have gratitude for each day that you are given. 

I think they thought it gave them more adult credibility to not smile. In reality they’re teddy bears!

My husband and his bestie from his teenage years still keep in touch. We had dinner with his family last night and to see the two over-40’s talking family, parenting, spirituality, and life was such a gift. To have people who know you, and stick by you; to grow the family of friendship so that it includes spouses and children really gives you a moment of clarity... that this is really what it’s all about. 

Own It!

Photo of Twila Thorpe taken by a photographer for GAP

I often hear women, of all ages, say "I can't wear that color," "Everyone will think I lost my mind if I wore that!" Everyone has their own likes and dislikes, I understand that. We all make the decision to be guided by a moral compass.  That's not my issue. What does bother me, however, is when our likes and dislikes aren't our own. When they have been determined by another person or group of people. Likes and dislikes that are really shaped by the boundaries of other people's insecurities and, usually unsolicited, opinions. Even the fact that someone has always been a certain way, or at least has appeared to others as always being a certain way, does not doom them to forever being in that box. I have witnessed client's eyes light up while we were mapping their makeup look, only to then dim after some invisible voice reminds them of their supposed limitations. "I can't wear that, my kids would say I'm crazy!"

Living Deliberately

Over 15 years ago I took a business enrichment seminar and the theme of the seminar was, "Be Deliberate." It turned out to be one of the most profound statements of my life and has become part of my the personal mantra. To me, being deliberate means living consciously. There are things I have control over in my life and things that I don't. If I am deliberate the things I have control over; how I interact with others, the amount of time I spend with my family, what direction I want my business to go, for example, I will not just let daily life decide for me. I will shape my day, I will control my schedule, I will choose to be kind or patient. The things I don't have control over like the illnesses of loved ones, or duties that put desires on the back burner, I deliberately let go of the impulse to fix or control. Instead I choose to support my family with my positive spirit and words, and in any physical way possible. I deliberately choose to be grateful for all the blessings and good things in my life, and look at my duties as a small price to pay.