I Speak Because I Know
This was me a month and a half ago. Wearing a 24 hour heart monitor because my resting heart rate was fluctuating between 114 and 120 bpm.
When you tell the doctor you’ve had heart palpitations for over 10 years, you get a look that makes you want to explain that you aren’t complacent your life is just really complicated.
Over the past decade I would go to the ER I had dizziness or shortness of breath, get and EKG and be sent home with a cardiologist name that I would never follow up with.
Family members fighting cancer, an unexpected pregnancy, then an infant, teenagers with teenage drama, deaths in the family, all happening simultaneously really doesn’t lend itself to focusing on your own health.
Until I woke up feeling like my heart was beating out of chest. Apple watch clocked me at 120bpm at 7am. I had kids to drop off at school and errands to run. So went to urgent care when I could fit it in hoping to get a quick EKG. What I got instead was reprimanded was told to go straight to the hospital.
Long story short. My heart beats, pumps, and looks fine. One month, an echocardiogram, an ultrasound, a sleep study and one methocolate challenge later and I find I have sleep apnea, and asthma, and have developed a sensitivity to caffeine. So far treating the above has found me improved at my last follow up.
Three things kept me ignoring the tightness in my chest and heart palpatations.
Being overwhelmed with other things.
Thinking it was because I was getting older and am a little heavier. I worked out more instead saying I was having a problem out loud. I really didn’t want to even tell my husband, it seemed admission of a failure.
Having Fibromyalgia I have some pain and related symptoms most days. I assumed some of the pain was related to that, which meant there was no point in spending the time on checking it to just find out nothing can really be done.
We live for them, let’s make sure we continue living for them.
Moral of my story… Don’t survive all life has to throw at you only to be taken down by a health issue that you could’ve taken care of if you had got it checked out. Dying from uncontrolled asthma is not how I’m going out!
Take my advice and schedule appointments to have any concerns, even small ones, addressed with your doctor. It seems like the easiest thing to neglect on your to do list since it’s for you, but don’t do it. Treat yourself like a friend you love, and make sure you are taking care of your health!
Why Aren't You Doing This For Yourself?
Rachel Zoe - Vintage Boho Style
Photo from Wonderwall.com
If budget and time weren’t a factor what would you say your personal style would be? I’ll help you. Do you have a personal style mirror? A personal style mirror is what I call the person who’s style you best identify with; the perfect way to hone in on your own style.
Tracey Ellis Ross - Boho Street Style
Photo from the Septemberstandard.com
Is it :
Audrey Hepburn? Straight lines, classic feminine (Jackie O fits this mirror too)
Carrie Bradshaw? Fun street style, label maven, whatever is trending
Julia Roberts? Town and Country, no fuss, feminine and functional
Olivia Pope? High style, ultra tailored, sophisticated feminine
Rainbow Johnson/Kryzada Rodriguez? Boho with a Street Style mix
Alicia Keys - Straight Street Style
Kim Kardashian/Jennifer Lopez? Sexy street style (Ferggie would be included in this style)
Rachel Zoe - Vintage Boho
Erykah Badu/ Stevie Knicks - Earthy Boho
Now the next question? Why does budget and time limit you from expressing your style? Could it really be fatigue and stress has worn you down?
Alicia Keys - Street Style
Photo tag: Alicia-Keys-Grazia-France-Nico-06
Our lives are either so fast paced physically, or so loaded up mentally/emotionally, or all of the above, that sometimes style and esthetics doesn’t even make the list. We say things like, “Remember when I used to dress this way? I was so cute!” or even just a wistful, “I love her style!” when seeing someone who’s style rings a chord. That’s your inner style reminding you it’s in there!
Julia Roberts - Town and Country Style
Elle..com Getty Images
Olivia Pope - Sophisticated Style
Photo from HelloGorgeous.com subject to copyright
The 21st century may have more cons than pros but a definite positive is price point is no hindrance of style. You can curate your style at Target and thrift stores as easy as you can boutiques and Nordstroms. Skincare? Skincare is healthcare. I try to get all my clients to include their skincare in their monthly budget. It’s worth canceling one of your streaming subscriptions for, or making coffee at home instead of Starbucks! Makeup is optional but you can buy one lipstick and use it for lips, cheeks and even eyes. No excuses!
I’m just going to say it. You aren’t living your style because you’re tired and worn out. There. I said it. Girl, that may not change. If it doesn’t change are you just going to let life drag you around like a rag doll? No, living your style is not frivolous or superficial. Im not talking about becoming unbalanced and obsessed. I’m talking about showing up to be the best you. I’m talking about seeing someone you went to school with and not hiding because you know you didn’t try this morning. I’m talking not walking past a window and mirror and feeling defeated.
Do this for yourself. Be your style. Convey your style. You have control of how you stand up to the world. If you’re in a business office or taking your mom to the doctor’s office, get dressed and nurture your skin.
Give me three days out of the week. Try expressing your style for 3 days. Showing up with a moisturized face and a tinted gloss or creamy lipstick. See how you feel. I know you’ll love the results!
Cover Photo of Audrey Hepburn 1967 from The Good Films
Go - If You're Ever in Philly ...
Philadelphia is more than just history. It’s also a city of great spaces. The benefits of being on the Deleware River is the scenic views, cool breezes, and the way music echos across the water. Recently the Pier scene of Philly has exploded with them being revamped and restored for the perfect outings. You’ll find seating, hammocks, music, food. There are beer gardens, pop up shops, small dog areas, and substantial Philly arts presence.
I’ve lived in South Jersey, about fifteen minutes from South Philly for about three decades now and Philadelphia has always been, for me, the dark horse to always be compared with Manhattan. Over the years though, it has grown on me as our family started to grow and the two hour drive to New York wasn’t as easy as it used to be. Then Philly started to change. The art scene started to grow, the great restaurant offerings just continued to get better, and then the piers and pop up parks began. You had me at free day trips!
I grew up in Massachusetts, the middle of three girls. Family values were extremely traditional and my mom stayed at home and my dad was in construction. We grew up in a little house on a hill my parents purchased before I went into kindergarten on two acres of land, with woods behind to run free and a river to skate on in winter. When we weren’t home we traveled to Northern New Jersey and New York to visit family (where my love for New York started). Other than that my father was a fan of day or weekend trips. He would put us in the car and we’d drive to Vermont, Rhode Island, upstate New York, or where ever we could get to before my father didn’t feel like driving any more. We’d stop along the way and take pictures, pick flowers, look at scenery, and sometimes find a hotel for the night. I guess this is where my sense of adventure came from. It’s something that has been important for me to hand down to my children too.
So all the new sights in Philadelphia are wonderful and welcoming to me personally! We bring the kids and can spend a lazy day sightseeing, learning, people watching, eating, you name it. We explore in University City, shop and eat at Rittenhouse, hang out in South Philly, and now we do movie nights at The Oval, Concerts and Festivals at Festival Pier, drink rootbeer floats in hammocks at Spruce Street Pier, ice and roller skate at the Blue Cross River Rink at Penn’s Landing.
It’s Spring Break and we’re doing a staycation because we’re homeowners and this Spring is new siding and a new roof. Yesterday we took the kids to the newly renovated Cherry St Pier. A gorgeous space with the metal bones of the pier warehouse still in tact. The artist collective, Tiny Room for Elephants, has now found a permanent home there and the art is perfect for selfies and capturing your imagination. Just South of Race St Pier you could totally make a day of just Pier jumping and then walking the Philadelphia High Line.
So my friend, if you ever find yourself in Philly, don’t miss out on all that the “little big city” has to offer. You can make some great memories!
#JoyLifeTribe Recipe - Chocolate Chip French Toast Casserole
What really is the difference between a French Toast Casserole and Bread Pudding? At this moment I’m not completely sure, I’d have t get back to you on that one! Regardless of the name, this was the best one I’ve made so far, and I’ve made a few over the years.
I do what I like to call “The Grandma Method,” with cooking and even baking, when possible. That means I eyeball and estimate amounts. This recipe is the perfect one to try The Grandma Method.
Tips to Perfection:
Brioche. You cannot make a good bread pudding or french toast casserole with brioche. This time I used a chocolate chip brioche loaf.
Ghiradelli Chocolate chips because well, #ghiradelli
Adding a bit of condensed milk, helped keep optimal moisture, and texture.
Dousing the brioche pieces in melted butter. No one said this was low fat!
Letting sit overnight before baking.
Need to know before beginning:
The egg to total milk ratio you are achieving is about 1:1
Total milk is a combo of 1/2 dairy milk, half almond milk. You can change to all dairy milk, all almond milk, or all whatever milk you like. Be aware however, the richer your milk, the better the recipe. So I would NOT recommend using rice milk. or skim dairy.
Ingredients
9 x 12 glass pan with bottom and sides buttered
One loaf of Chocolate Chip Brioche
Butter (about 3 tablespoons)
5 to 6 eggs
2% Organic Dairy Milk
Almond Milk (omit if not an almond milk person)
Condensed Milk (about a 1/4 cup) Optional
Cinnamon (a dash)
Unrefined, Organic Sugar (about 3/4 cups)
Vanilla Extract (about a teaspoon)
Chocolate Chips (about a 1/2 cup)
Organic Brown Sugar (about a handful)
It should look like this before baking!
Chop up the brioche into small squares and put in the 9 x 12 glass pan that you have buttered on the bottom and the sides. Melt about butter and pour over the bread pieces. Gently toss around the bread pieces to make sure they are as evenly coated as possible.
In bowl combine eggs and milk to achieve a 1/2 and 1/2 ratio, condensed milk (if using), vanilla extract, unrefined sugar, and cinnamon. Whisk until completely blended, you don’t want to see any whites of the yoke.
Sprinkle chocolate chips over chopped brioche and then pour the egg mixture right over it. Gently move around bread pieces making sure all pieces are covered and there are no dry points sticking up.
Put in refrigerator overnight.
Sprinkle brown sugar over coated bread and put in a 450°F oven, not preheated. Remember, not all ovens heat the same. Adjust the temperature accordingly.
Remove when it’s golden brown and inflated.
Swirl a little chocolate syrup on a plate before adding a slice, then top with whipped cream.
Face My Weight
So I never talk about weight on the gram, on Facebook, never here in my blog… but, here I go.
The reality is I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been.
Through to my early twenties I never had a weight issue. At 5’3” I’ve always had an athletic build but maintained 129lbs, to 135lbs even after my first child. I went through my aerobic step phase and had a true six pack. I dated a jock and we worked out together. Blah, blah, blah, right? Who cares? The reality is right this minute, at 45, still 5’3” I weigh more than I have my whole life.
Is there a reason? Three more children? Nope, because I’ve always been able to get under control at least within two years after birth; it’s four years since giving birth to my youngest. Is it fibromyalgia? My fibromyalgia does make it harder to loose weight due to two factors: low serotonin, and FMS related edema. That’s not it though. The reality is, it’s stress. It is so much stress, at times I feel like I’m drowning. That’s the reality.
The effect my husband’s brain cancer has had is indescribable. A toddler in the mist of this and a teenage daughter? Need I say more? Add to it, aging parents - my mom with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Loosing my grandson… the list goes on. I’ll spare you rest of the details. I know there are many that can relate. Just tell me why I can’t be the women who can’t eat? Who gets emaciated from the stress? And it’s not the eating, in fact I’m not a big eater. I have, in full disclosure however, gotten away from being 85% clean.
The first workout is always the hardest!
So here I am. Fat and still stressed. I’m now at a weight I feel unhealthy and uncomfortable. The self care advocate who takes care of everyone now needs to, “heal thyself.”
I have a plan. I have to do it. Consider this a manifesto. The goal? To go back to eating at least 80% / 20%, and my weight and my stress with movement.
The Cancer Diary - The Conversation
If you don’t know me or haven’t followed me long in social media you may not know my husband has brain cancer. Right temporal and insular astrocytoma. He had a resection, radiation, and chemo. The surgeon was able to remove a little more than 50% of the affected tissue and as of August 2017 he was in remission in the sense that there was no new growth. They say he should expect 15 years before reoccurrence.
By summer of 2018 we were starting to feel like a “normal family again.” We hung out at the shore, and in the city. We had dinner parties again, and a lightness returned to our home.
Before his surgery we were faced with my husband’s mortality. What you don’t even think about is at the time of such intense sorrow, you have to think about 401ks, stock, insurance, and how the family will go on if he doesn’t wake from surgery. Then you hold your breath during every follow up visit. So when you start to feel the lightness return, you put away the logistical talk because you are in a hurry to not have to think about it anymore.
So that’s where we were until last night. My husband and I were talking about moving and about the mortgage and our home’s equity. He said one thing. “Well maybe we should do ___so that we’ll have a bigger cushion just in case of an emergency.” And that opened the Pandora’s box. The reminder that we cannot take financial risks because he may not be here in 15 years, or even in 5 years. In 5 years my 2 youngest will be 9 and 21, and mourning a father. And I’ll be 50. I’ll need financial flexibility more than ever. If it’s 15 years, I’ll be 60 and my youngest 19.
We have the conversation about how much it will be to prolong his life and try all trials, versus opting for no more treatments so as to not drain us economically in the end when he’s gone. That’s a real conversation. It’s a depressing conversation to have, especially when you were having a quiet evening; laying in bed reading. Then the atmosphere changes, your stomach hurts, and the lights around you seem dimmer.
So remission isn’t the great eraser that some may think it is. Even if you go back to living and planing, it’s there. It’s always there. Just waiting to be called to the surface.
Really See What It’s All About
Getting older can be a mind trip. It’s true. The only way to change what can easily become a depressing obsession is to refocus with gratitude.
When faced with terminal illness of loved ones, you become instantly aware of time. Once you start to adapt to the new circumstances, it becomes easier to just have gratitude for each day that you are given.
I think they thought it gave them more adult credibility to not smile. In reality they’re teddy bears!
My husband and his bestie from his teenage years still keep in touch. We had dinner with his family last night and to see the two over-40’s talking family, parenting, spirituality, and life was such a gift. To have people who know you, and stick by you; to grow the family of friendship so that it includes spouses and children really gives you a moment of clarity... that this is really what it’s all about.
Going Back To Basics
You wouldn’t believe what set off my daughter’s food allergy!
Made this sauce to go over angel hair pasta. Basically my regular sauce with butternut squash (and a bit of fresh spinach I had left in the fridge. My 4 year old asked for seconds, so it’s kid approved!
My daughter has severe food allergies. Included in the list of allergens is corn. We’re talking, true anaphylaxis complete with blue lips, itching throat, and a rash on the face that looks like a chemical burn and lasts 2 weeks! This severe skin reaction not only itches but is extremely painful. Even though we are thorough in our label reading she’s had two episodes in the past year. The big surprise? The culprit has been multivitamins! Most vitamins, even gluten free ones, have some form of corn by product or derivatives, especially Vitamin C and the gelatin like capsules many medicines and vitamins come in.
Of course whole foods have always been best. I’ve always tried to include vegetables in every dinner but now with the supplement issue, my daughter has no other option but to eat her vitamins from the source!
Solution? It’s one we’ll all benefit from. More veggies and fruits in EVERYTHING! I’ve strayed from my 80/20 rule but I’m tightening things up around here! At least 80% whole, clean, food. There are no cons to that!
Generation Messed Up?
Me with my daughter, having a cherished moment.
Recently I had a discussion with someone about how we were able to raise our children to be more emotional, self-aware, and conscious of learning who they are. As this generation started to become more open (generally of course, no generation fits into one box) social media made them more isolated, and verbally challenged, even sedentary.
So what that means is we have given a generation a gift of expression, or at least the ability to be emotionally aware and then took away the healthiest way to exercise emotions;
1. Clear human to human, in person dialogue that engages social cues, and visual recognition of emotions produces empathy.
2. Becoming part of a physical, not virtual, community where caring and helping others helps themselves
3. Getting physical exercise which benefits emotional and mental health.
Of course there are more and more learning that you can combine personal physicality, with technology to produce an emotional consciousness that can reach more people than ever. Is that the case with all of the younger generations though, those after the millennials? Suicide is at an all time high, along with anxiety, and depression. These young people need genuine human connections and physical exercise and experiences like never before.
My middle son, Aaron, and his friends make time to spend with the family! My youngest gets to benefit from having his older siblings around, and my husband and I get time to connect with the next generation. This really is an exceptional group!
What Advice Do You Give?
Nothing helps you get through the work week like being in the career you want to be in and doing the job you want to do. What advice did you give your children about a career?
Future chef or food critic…
Here are 3 things I told/tell/will tell mine. I say it that way because they are all at completely different stages in life; ages 27,20,16,and 4!
1. Don’t measure your success in life by dollars. Love, kindness, generosity, humility are the measures of a man/woman. This is truly what I believe in my core. I know this to be true, and I have moments when I’m in room full of people that are all about the dollar, and about pushing their children to be something “great.” I don’t care. I know this to be true; career success can bring joy and the means to experience life in a way not open to everyone, but it will never bring peace to your soul. However, show me a person that lives to cultivate the inner person and I will show you a person content in every situation, and valued by others, and a person at peace with themselves.
Never stop playing the instrument you played as a child/teen. Not only will it continue to be a relaxing hobby, you could give music lessons if you find yourself in need of extra income or even in the middle of a lay-off.
2. Do what you love. If you love something that doesn’t seem to have a career connected to it, create your own way. I have friends that debate this point with me. Their thought is who cares what you like to do, do what you have to do. There are times when circumstances of life make this true. If as a young person you can get on the path of doing what you love, before huge responsibilities and life firmly take hold, I say don’t pass up the opportunity. Doing what you love contributes to a sense of peace and well being. The negativity that can come from being somewhere you don’t want to be, doing what you don’t want to do can literally become so stressful and depressing it shortens your life!
3. Do more than one thing:
A. Be aware of every avenue that could branch off from your discipline. There may be changes in your life where you want to stay in your field but in another capacity.
B. If there aren’t alternate avenues of your chosen field, educate yourself another field that interests you. Never have just one talent, one interest, or one job. Don’t box yourself in, the days of working for a company for 30 years has passed. You have to have the fortitude to be fluid career-wise.
C. Regardless of what career you choose; always be able to create income entrepreneurially (I did look that up, it is a word!) This cannot be overlooked. There is not job security in this world anymore. The only way to guarantee you can always support your family and yourself, is to be able to pull yourself up and create your own opportunity.
If he ever finds himself out of a job as a dinosaur, his inner sense of wonder and humor can lead him to a job as a … well now, we’ll have to think about this one!
I'm No Martha Stewart
As I was revamping my website to include my name change and basically the pivot I’ve done in life, I came across one of those stories that pop up on the internet when your reading or searching for something else. It’s always a list; “7 Worst Vacation Spots in the World,” “10 Deadliest Roads in America,” “5 Celebrities You Thought Were Dead.” This one was, I think, was “13 Famous Feuding Couples,” The list included Gweynth Paltrow and Martha Stewart. GP has the famous lifestyle blog and brand, and Martha Stewart… well is Martha Stewart. The article quoted MS in a Bloomberg TV interview as taking a pot shot at GP saying, “She's a charming, pretty person who has a feeling for lifestyle. She wants to be a lifestyle arbiter. Fine. Good. I think I started this whole category of lifestyle.” She later was quoted as saying in a Porter interview, "[Paltrow] just needs to be quiet. She's a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn't be trying to be Martha Stewart."
Creating fine knitwear has been a dream of mine. Now I’m so excited to share my style with you! The knitting community rocks and it really is like a little club of happy people!
I regularly cook for my family (three still in the nest) and for my parents. My whole family and I have food sensitivities, my parents have a specific diet, and my daughter has severe food allergies. Cooking for my family takes an enormous amount of thought and preparation. To say that my meal decisions are a matter of life and death, really isn’t an exaggeration. I know there are many with food allergies and dietary concerns. I want to connect with others that are in the same circumstance.
This gives you chills if you’ve recently changed your business name to anything and added, “Living” to it as I did. Let me say, I have no intentions of being an authority on anything. I have no friends that are yogis to the stars, or that vacation in Corsica. Well, I actually do have a friend that vacas in Corsica, but you get the point. I have no dreams of fame or being anywhere in MS’s peripheral vision to bring on the wrath. I renamed my business “Living” because that’s what I’m doing. I’m living to the best of my ability and have been through some stuff. There’s been occasions where I found purpose in the challenges and setbacks of life from the fact that others could be helped, could see themselves in me, or that my reminder of gratitude what just what they needed.
I’m I licensed cosmetologist from New Jersey, by trade. I’m a skincare and makeup guide who also happens to be married for 21 years, have 4 children, and as you read on the front page of this website, I’ve been through more than the average mama-bear. The death of my grandson in Dec of 2018, was the final push I needed to semi-retired from the beauty industry and to pursue all the things that move me and give me joy. As a younger women I did everything I could think of. I always ran my own business and was a maker, creator, or artist selling what I created with my own hands. As I became older I somehow believed I wasn’t being serious about life I didn’t focus on just one thing. The focus did pay off in a lot of ways but did leave a hole. The hole, I found out, is that I need to be doing everything that brings me joy, and life.
So here I am, no Martha Stewart but I am living!
I’m the wife of a brain cancer fighter. Living with cancer effects the whole family in ways only other cancer families can relate to. Brain cancer is the least researched cancer and many people do not talk about the experience. I know the real life struggle, I deal with it daily, I want to be able to share that with others going through the same thing. I want them to know they aren’t alone.
Own It!
Photo of Twila Thorpe taken by a photographer for GAP
I often hear women, of all ages, say "I can't wear that color," "Everyone will think I lost my mind if I wore that!" Everyone has their own likes and dislikes, I understand that. We all make the decision to be guided by a moral compass. That's not my issue. What does bother me, however, is when our likes and dislikes aren't our own. When they have been determined by another person or group of people. Likes and dislikes that are really shaped by the boundaries of other people's insecurities and, usually unsolicited, opinions. Even the fact that someone has always been a certain way, or at least has appeared to others as always being a certain way, does not doom them to forever being in that box. I have witnessed client's eyes light up while we were mapping their makeup look, only to then dim after some invisible voice reminds them of their supposed limitations. "I can't wear that, my kids would say I'm crazy!"
Living Deliberately
Over 15 years ago I took a business enrichment seminar and the theme of the seminar was, "Be Deliberate." It turned out to be one of the most profound statements of my life and has become part of my the personal mantra. To me, being deliberate means living consciously. There are things I have control over in my life and things that I don't. If I am deliberate the things I have control over; how I interact with others, the amount of time I spend with my family, what direction I want my business to go, for example, I will not just let daily life decide for me. I will shape my day, I will control my schedule, I will choose to be kind or patient. The things I don't have control over like the illnesses of loved ones, or duties that put desires on the back burner, I deliberately let go of the impulse to fix or control. Instead I choose to support my family with my positive spirit and words, and in any physical way possible. I deliberately choose to be grateful for all the blessings and good things in my life, and look at my duties as a small price to pay.
About This Blog
This blog is the property of Cici Pagan and all contents are under full copyright. No permission is given to remove any content and repost without specific permission being granted by Cici Pagan.
Any content that is not original will include the credits for the source.
Cici Pagan is neither a doctor nor dermatologist and any medical or dermatological references, suggestions, or opinions should only be viewed as her personal opinion and not a professional medical recommendation. Any reference, suggestion or opinion that seems medically related in any way should be discussed with your physician, dermatologist or personal healthcare provider.
Any product opinions, suggestions or recommendations made in this blog are the personal opinions of Cici Pagan and have not been influenced by any personal or professional relationship or paid endorsement agreement.