The Best Gift Ever - My Late In Life Baby

The last 2 weeks of the year always puts the family and me in a tailspin. With vacation days from work and school the house is full of people coming and going. Now that we can resume our regular schedule I’m left a little dazed. I’m beginning this new year in the best way I know how; by searching my heart and mind and bringing gratitude to the fore. Forget that the words mindfulness, intention, self-care etc., have been hijacked by the advertisers and marketers as buzz words to sell more stuff - sitting in a quiet place and recounting gratitude is one of the healthiest exercises you can do.

This morning I laid in bed and gave thanks for my soon-to-be 5 year old son. My gratitude for him is unique for a few reasons. I’m hoping you can relate to my feelings in some way:

1. I found out I was pregnant with him after 2 years of cancer struggle with both my parents. When faced with death, the gift of life is like a soothing balm and welcomed ray of sunshine. Anticipation of a new life was therapeutic for the whole family.

2. He was born in 2015 and my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2016. We had to make an important decision about fertility before he underwent chemo and radiation. I know that had we not had the baby we still would have decided we were done having children and wouldn’t have made a back up plan. Had that been the case we definitely could have lived with that decision, but, we know now that we would’ve missed out on so much.

3. I know women have children at all ages now, but for me personally 41 was late in life for having another child. My children were 24, 17, and 12. They were in all different directions as far as what they were doing in life. I was doing full-time volunteer work, helping my parents who were ill, working, traveling for work, and homeschooling my daughter. I was overextended. My family was going in all different directions. And I wasn’t conscious of it. I felt like they were capable of more independence than they really were. Yes, they were getting older; but they still needed the stability of coming together regularly at home. We weren’t even having a family dinner once a week. With everyone on different schedules the kids never communicated with each other. Even my husband and I were on totally different schedules. The baby was a huge stop sign for us all. Everyone seemed to be reminded of family when he came along. He was an umbrella that drew us all into the same space that made each one of us stop and feel love. While he was attaching himself to our hearts, he tied us all together again. We looked at each other more. I say the mother sets the tone and in reality I was stopped dead in my tracks. Even the postpartum depression created a bond from everyone chipping in to help with this new situation.

The kids are all 5 years older now and still blazing their own trails in this world. I think what has remained constant since the little one was born is me. I now try to be consistent in setting a united tone. My surprise baby is my constant reminder that what is most important is in this house. My family. I have the ability to make sure we come together regularly, that we check in on each other, to remind us all that family comes first. So I’m grateful. We needed our sweet little boy more than we ever knew. And he’s the gift that keeps on giving, the constant, walking reminder of love and family.

When We Label We Loose

Living with gratitude and joy is not instantaneous. It’s not something you can master overnight if you can ever indeed master it. It’s an ongoing process that takes deliberate practice daily.It’s something I certainly haven’t mastered but work day after day to maintain and grow. I had lunch with a friend and it was the second time this week someone had said to me something along the lines of I had my stuff together. To me this ranks right up there with the dreaded, “you’re so strong!” comment. Neither are sentiments I stand by or will allow to go unaddressed. For two reasons.

1. IT’S SIMPLY NOT A TRUE STATEMENT: There is no one who has their stuff together. Fight me. There’s just no way! If one area is together, I can confidently say another area in life is in shambles or at least disheveled a bit. What makes us all the same is we are all human. There is no human who has it all together.

2. STRENGTH IS RARELY PURE GRIT: I’m strong willed and opinionated but that shouldn’t be confused with with being strong as in, “she can handle anything.” When it comes to crisis or challenges in my life I usually have no other option but to put my head down and walk through the storm. Especially with kids… is there really any other option? My faith and, I believe God, gives me the will to fight when in just isn’t in me. And not to be overlooked is pure stubbornness. Sometimes just being completely stubborn means I’m gonna get it done!

3. IT ROBS ME OF SUPPORT: Yes we live in a time where we are pretty used to saying ourselves. What is true is that, yes, we need to know ourselves and be responsible for our personal growth. We cannot find happiness in others, it’s an inside job as they say. Still, again going back to the fact that we are all human, we must acknowledge that a life with those who support us and are there for us and empathize with us is a better life than one without. The need for someone to witness and understand our plight and circumstances is fundamental to the human condition. So someone holding on to the idea that I, or anyone, has it all together robs us of the support and understanding that eases the burdens we all carry. If people think we have it all figured out and all together then we get overlooked as the “strong” ones. The word strong, attached by others, can quickly translate to alone for the ones who wear the label.

My gratitude for my family keeps going, and maybe makes it look easier than it really is!

So I say… understand that my Instagram does not make up a complete picture of my life. The days I don’t post are often days I am completely overwhelmed, or battling health issues of my own or someone in my family. Understand that when I post about gratitude and joy it’s just as much a post to myself because I need to remind me of the keys to happiness. I post and express myself because if I kept it all in I would explode, not because I have it all figured out. I share because there’s a tribe of a few who are living with similar battles and struggles but still want to make the most of their lives. If you are reading this, chances are we have an interchange of support and for that I thank you. And to all I say, support your tribe, including the ones who “seem” to have it all together.

There's a Huge Elephant in the Room, and It's Holding a Toothbrush!

This is not an endorsement for any dental product or practice.

If you follow me on social media you have seen the center of my world, my children. At 40 I found out I was pregnant with our fourth child, surprise! We call him our surprise baby and not our oops! baby because he truly was, and is a gift. 4 years of wonder and joy. If you look at all the pics I have posted of my 4 year old wonder you will see he has a tooth missing. His left incisor is gone and his right incisor looks a bit wonky. No, he didn’t loose the tooth, we had to have it pulled at the age of 2. Totally traumatic as parents! I try to avoid a conversation about it because there is some educated-first-world-mom-guilt that comes along with it.

The left incisor was extracted. The right incisor was saved but not without a little damage.

What Went Wrong?

Why the need to pull the tooth? It’s because of something called “bottle rot,” which is simply baby tooth decay. It was something I had heard about but never thought would ever be an issue with any of my children, and it wasn’t, until my youngest came along. According to The National Institute of Dental and Craniofacial Research, “Overall dental caries (decay) in the baby teeth of children 2 to 11 declined from the early 1970s until the mid 1990s. From the mid 1990s until the most recent (1999-2004) National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey, this trend has reversed: a small but significant increase in primary decay was found. This trend reversal was more severe in younger children.” I thought maybe it was due to always using bottled water and not water with fluoride, but I read that fluoride treated water in fact does not reduce the instances of early childhood tooth decay. As a mom with (a different) child with severe food allergies I am keenly aware of all the hidden ingredients in food, I suspect the root of the increase in early childhood tooth decay is hidden sugars.

I can only speak to our experience and the facts that I believe contributed to my little guy’s tooth decay.

1. He was the only one of my 4 children that was bottle fed from the early months. My first three children were breast-fed then weaned to a cup. If they had a bottle after weaning it only contained water. Because of health issues my youngest was bottle fed formula from 3 months on. Without this post turning into a post about sugars in baby formula, I will say I was ever conscious of this fact and always included more water in the formula and never put the baby to bed with a bottle of full strength formula.

2. I kid you not, this little boy was born with swollen gums! His teeth came in sooner than any of my other children. Literally by 4 months his tooth was crowning. Not only was he an early teether, his incisor came in first which was a bit odd, since the front teeth are usually the first. So though it was a surprise we were starting to have trouble with his teeth, we weren’t surprised it was the left incisor, the first tooth that came in, or the right incisor which came in simultaneously with the front teeth.

3. Though my other children didn’t have issues with bottle rot, two have always had to have their teeth coated with a sealant as the dentists have always said they have soft enamel and possibly over acidic oral environments. We were told the same thing with the little guy.

4. We were in family crisis when the youngest turned one year old. It was then my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer and began surgeries and treatments. What does that have to do with the little guy’s teeth? Only the fact that by then we knew we were really in a battle to keep his incisor from decaying and were brushing his teeth more than twice a day and absolutely no formula while laying down. Then once my husband was spending considerable amounts of time in the hospital and we were leaving the baby with family, his delicate dental health really was pushed down the list. I do believe this is what put the nail in the incisor coffin, the easing up on Operation Save The Tooth, during our family emergency.

So as you can see, I’m no doctor or health professional but it doesn’t take a genius to see all these factors working together were in fact working against us.

I don’t think his dental issues have effected his cuteness level!

So, What Did We Do?

When it became apparent these teeth were really in jeopardy we consulted with a pediatric dentist and surgeon that specializes in early child tooth decay. At that point the little guy wasn’t even 2 yet. The surgeon agreed we would stay the course for as long as possible or until the baby turned 2 years old. We were able to hold off until 2. By this time my husband was home and I was able to resume the crazy brushing schedule and tight reign on his dental health at home. At age 2 you could tell there was no more active decaying. There was small indents in both of his two front teeth; these along with discoloration of the incisors had grown out. Meaning there was healthy tooth at the root (except that first incisor) and then these defects were further down. We allowed him to have a dental procedure preformed by this pediatric surgeon (who was highly recommended and was the surgeon for our dentist’s and hygienist’s children). They were able to put composite on the two front teeth, and cap both incisors. It was a very serious and hard decision to make to let the baby under go this procedure. Faced with the possibility of him needing his teeth pulled, it seemed like the best option. When the caps came off, less than two weeks later we had a host of emotions, including the guilt of choosing the general anesthetic and then it not even working. Upon going back we were never able to get the surgeon we had originally and did not have faith in the other professionals we saw in the practice. We felt lost but we knew there was no way were going to let him be put under again. We go back and do more research and thank goodness for internet reviews! We found an office in South Philly that patients were raving about. We took our little guy there not knowing who else to turn to. The dentist there agreed that by this time that incisor that was the first to come in was just to worn away and decayed to keep, and that extraction would be best. They allowed us to be in the room while they did the procedure, which was a must for me. The good news is that with regular visits and our vigorous home routine we’ve been able to keep the other incisor in tact, even though it looks a little worse for wear.

Stigma

So that’s our dental story! Is there any other cosmetic way of sizing up someone more powerful than assessing their dental health and teeth in their mouth? Missing, or rotting teeth is not only taken as a sign of questionable hygiene but also of income. After all, good teeth mean regular dental visits, regular dental visits mean good dental insurance, good dental insurance means a good job. And what kind of parent lets their child’s teeth rot? I instantly thought of the piece Diane Sawyer did about the forgotten children of the Appalachian Mountains that had soda in their bottles and sippy cups. How could this happen? We weren’t “those kind” of people!

My little puddin’ pop growing up! If you ask him where his tooth is he says, “I lost it!”

Well this subject, as with many others, forces you to come face to face with your biases, fears, and insecurities. The fact was we were the best parents we could be and circumstances were what they were. Now when I see children with dental issues I don’t form an opinion because I know the story may not be the one we automatically assume, like I used to. Apparently there’s nothing like a little tooth decay to knock you off a high horse!

So yes, my gorgeous, funny, wonderful boy is missing a tooth. And yes, I’m waiting patiently for his big boy teeth to come in, but until then he is no less beautiful to me. I’m still working on being okay with the stigma so if you approach the subject with me sideways, I may still come at you! Just saying. #nooneisperfect

What Should You Do?

So what would my suggestions to you be in regards to this whole subject?

1. From the beginning, if you are bottle feeding, be very conscious about formula being in the baby’s mouth when they’re resting. Delta Dental has this posted on their website,

   “To incorporate these changes:

   • Gradually dilute the bottle contents with water over a period of two to three weeks.

   • Once that period is over, if you give a child a bottle, fill it with water or give the child a clean pacifier recommended by a dentist. The only safe liquid to put in a bottle to prevent baby bottle tooth decay is water.

   • Decrease consumption of sugar, especially between meals.

   • Children should be weaned from the bottle as soon as they can drink from a cup, but the bottle should not be taken away too soon, since the sucking motion aids in the development of facial muscles, as well as the tongue.”

   We did incorporate these steps with my little guy and all I can think is that his decay would have been even worse if we had not.

2. Brush those little teeth as soon as they start coming in. I’m not sure where I personally stand on the subject of fluoride and currently am following the suggestions of our pediatric dentist. I can’t in good conscious speak on adding fluoride as soon as teeth crown because of articles like the ones on the Fluoride Action Network. One of their articles posted says this;

   ”Ingesting toothpaste during childhood is a major risk factor for dental fluorosis, and can also cause symptoms of acute fluoride toxicity (e.g., stomach pain, etc).

   The FDA now requires a poison warning on all fluoride toothpastes sold in the U.S.”

   As a parent and educated consumer you will have to do due diligence and come to a decision about how you feel about fluoride and your children.

3. If decay becomes an issue, research your pediatric dentist and specialist/surgeon. If you have any questions or concerns whatsoever and they aren’t addressed, find another dental professional.

4. Choose a pediatric dental practice and/or surgeon who’s first priority is to save the tooth. A rush to extraction, in my opinion, is not a good sign. You want extraction to be the last straw after all other options are exhausted.

5. If your baby must have a tooth extracted and you’ve done all you can, don’t beat yourself up about it. Ultimately the extraction is a sign that you took the necessary steps to keep your child healthy. These things happen, and as noted above it is even on the rise. Knowledge is power. If it’s happened to you, you are now in the position to help other moms with your experience.

We found a great pediatric dental team we love! No this is not a paid advertisement!

It Happens To All Of Us

My youngest eats way more french fries than my older kids ever did!

So I did a thing. It happened in an instant before I even realized what I was doing. I had just took a break from playing outside with my four year old, as forty-five year old mommies sometimes have to do, and was thinking how different parenting at this age is. Yes, I know having a child is a gift not every woman gets, even when she wants it so desperately. Yes, I know that women have babies at all ages and things couldn’t be better for them. However, what I also know is what it was like to be pregnant before my twentieth birthday with my first son. I also know what it was like to be pregnant and a parent at twenty-three with my second son, then at thirty with my daughter. So if there is one thing I know for myself is that being a mom over forty is extremely different. I’m sure it wouldn’t have even phased me if I only knew forty-something pregnancy and parenting, but alas that’s not the case. The energy is different, and I get on the slide and the swing and do soccer and the whole nine, I’m not cutting corners here! It’s tiring in a way it just never was before. Of course emotionally, mentally, and financially it’s better but, and I say this all the time, I was Martha stinkin Stewart when I was in mommy mode in my twenties and thirties! I was homemaking; refinishing furniture, decorating the house, having dinner parties. I was mom extraordinaire; gift closet so I always was prepared, extras for when the kids had company, all games pieces in little zip loc bags counted and accounted for, everyone on multi-vitamins, each diet studied and followed to the nth degree , everyone up at a certain time, and in bed like clockwork, etc. etc. etc. Now, if I can get the 4 year old dressed, get him to eat a vegetable, have a day that includes instruction and exercise, get some work done, get a shower myself and dinner for everyone before 7:30… it is a phenomenal day!

When I was a younger mom I was also the sugar police. Forty-five year old mom is off duty apparently!

Somehow I digressed. So the thing I did while I was resting? I thought of someone I know; younger, more kids, who apparently has time for everything including a different hair color and cut every 2 weeks, always looking perky and fresh and seems like all her children are self cleaning… like an oven, and thought, “I don’t know how she does it. Why can’t I get myself together? People must think about me and say, ‘why isn’t she doing more!’” I know better, but I’m telling you it happens to us all. “Don’t compare,” I scolded myself in my head as I was filling my dishwasher. Then I thought well since I brought up the comparison what would I tell a friend if she said she was feeling this way? Would I go down the list of all the reasons my friend’s life was indeed harder? Would I try and minimize comparison-mom and make it seem like she doesn’t really take care of her kids and family that well? Would that help?

Anything blue… are you kidding me? I had a list on the grandparent’s fridge, in the baby sitting folder,(yes, there was one) and each aunt’s house, which all stated, NO BLUE FOODS that don’t grow out of the ground that way. Now look! #oldermomproblems

Actually, what I would say is, “Don’t compare yourself, you two are different. You cannot compare your life to anyone else’s because there are so many variables. Why not just assume young comparison-mom is struggling to keep it together like all moms are,” because we all are aren’t we? In one way or another. We’re all on our mom journey, but no one knows what our shoes feel like on our feet.

We all will occasionally think, “How does… do it?” It’s what we do after the thought that counts. I struggle. I know you do too. 100? I was struggling when I was trying to be Martha stinkin’ Stewart! I know we all are struggling in some way or another. Let’s just look over at the mom in the next lane and give her a knowing head nod, not a mean mug, or superior smirk. It would really help relieve some pressure, don’t you think?

Face My Weight

So I never talk about weight on the gram, on Facebook, never here in my blog… but, here I go.

The reality is I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been.

Through to my early twenties I never had a weight issue. At 5’3” I’ve always had an athletic build but maintained 129lbs, to 135lbs even after my first child. I went through my aerobic step phase and had a true six pack. I dated a jock and we worked out together. Blah, blah, blah, right? Who cares? The reality is right this minute, at 45, still 5’3” I weigh more than I have my whole life.

Is there a reason? Three more children? Nope, because I’ve always been able to get under control at least within two years after birth; it’s four years since giving birth to my youngest. Is it fibromyalgia? My fibromyalgia does make it harder to loose weight due to two factors: low serotonin, and FMS related edema. That’s not it though. The reality is, it’s stress. It is so much stress, at times I feel like I’m drowning. That’s the reality.

The effect my husband’s brain cancer has had is indescribable. A toddler in the mist of this and a teenage daughter? Need I say more? Add to it, aging parents - my mom with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Loosing my grandson… the list goes on. I’ll spare you rest of the details. I know there are many that can relate. Just tell me why I can’t be the women who can’t eat? Who gets emaciated from the stress? And it’s not the eating, in fact I’m not a big eater. I have, in full disclosure however, gotten away from being 85% clean.

The first workout is always the hardest!

So here I am. Fat and still stressed. I’m now at a weight I feel unhealthy and uncomfortable. The self care advocate who takes care of everyone now needs to, “heal thyself.”

I have a plan. I have to do it. Consider this a manifesto. The goal? To go back to eating at least 80% / 20%, and my weight and my stress with movement.

Generation Messed Up?

Me with my daughter, having a cherished moment.

Recently I had a discussion with someone about how we were able to raise our children to be more emotional, self-aware, and conscious of learning who they are. As this generation started to become more open (generally of course, no generation fits into one box) social media made them more isolated, and verbally challenged, even sedentary.

So what that means is we have given a generation a gift of expression, or at least the ability to be emotionally aware and then took away the healthiest way to exercise emotions;

1. Clear human to human, in person dialogue that engages social cues, and visual recognition of emotions produces empathy.

2. Becoming part of a physical, not virtual,  community where caring and helping others helps themselves

3. Getting physical exercise which benefits emotional and mental health.

Of course there are more and more learning that you can combine personal physicality, with technology to produce an emotional consciousness that can reach more people than ever. Is that the case with all of the younger generations though, those after the millennials? Suicide is at an all time high, along with anxiety, and depression. These young people need genuine human connections and physical exercise and experiences like never before. 

My middle son, Aaron, and his friends make time to spend with the family! My youngest gets to benefit from having his older siblings around, and my husband and I get time to connect with the next generation. This really is an exceptional group!

What Advice Do You Give?

Nothing helps you get through the work week like being in the career you want to be in and doing the job you want to do. What advice did you give your children about a career?

Future chef or food critic…

Here are 3 things I told/tell/will tell mine. I say it that way because they are all at completely different stages in life; ages 27,20,16,and 4!

1. Don’t measure your success in life by dollars. Love, kindness, generosity, humility are the measures of a man/woman. This is truly what I believe in my core. I know this to be true, and I have moments when I’m in room full of people that are all about the dollar, and about pushing their children to be something “great.” I don’t care. I know this to be true; career success can bring joy and the means to experience life in a way not open to everyone, but it will never bring peace to your soul. However, show me a person that lives to cultivate the inner person and I will show you a person content in every situation, and valued by others, and a person at peace with themselves.

Never stop playing the instrument you played as a child/teen. Not only will it continue to be a relaxing hobby, you could give music lessons if you find yourself in need of extra income or even in the middle of a lay-off.

2. Do what you love. If you love something that doesn’t seem to have a career connected to it, create your own way. I have friends that debate this point with me. Their thought is who cares what you like to do, do what you have to do. There are times when circumstances of life make this true. If as a young person you can get on the path of doing what you love, before huge responsibilities and life firmly take hold, I say don’t pass up the opportunity. Doing what you love contributes to a sense of peace and well being. The negativity that can come from being somewhere you don’t want to be, doing what you don’t want to do can literally become so stressful and depressing it shortens your life!

3. Do more than one thing:

A. Be aware of every avenue that could branch off from your discipline. There may be changes in your life where you want to stay in your field but in another capacity.

B. If there aren’t alternate avenues of your chosen field, educate yourself another field that interests you. Never have just one talent, one interest, or one job. Don’t box yourself in, the days of working for a company for 30 years has passed. You have to have the fortitude to be fluid career-wise.

C. Regardless of what career you choose; always be able to create income entrepreneurially (I did look that up, it is a word!) This cannot be overlooked. There is not job security in this world anymore. The only way to guarantee you can always support your family and yourself, is to be able to pull yourself up and create your own opportunity.

If he ever finds himself out of a job as a dinosaur, his inner sense of wonder and humor can lead him to a job as a … well now, we’ll have to think about this one!